i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
