apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
