I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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