I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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