1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
