I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
