my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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