You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
i think i have two assholes
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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