She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We have started to decorate penises.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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