I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
