I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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