Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
