Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
