I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
