Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
4 words: hood of his car
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
