i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
