An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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