He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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