M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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