I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She's like a pop up book from hell.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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