I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
