listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
