I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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