you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
