I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
