i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
