The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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