Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
