i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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