apparently the secret to your success is patron
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
