I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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