your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
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