i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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