You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
