I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i can't believe i had my finger in that
he was CRYING into my vagina
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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