I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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