I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I had to cum in my sink.
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