so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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