It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize