things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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