Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
