he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Come see our sink grown plant.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
