I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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