I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
there was a trapeze. enough said
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
