I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
