she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
