Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
