I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
