Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
