I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
