the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It's official drugs can't kill me
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
