Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
