is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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