I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
