In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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