mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
